\u0130yice bast\u0131ran \u00f6\u011fle s\u0131ca\u011f\u0131, ortal\u0131kta ne ses ne de soluk b\u0131rakm\u0131\u015ft\u0131. Sokaklardan el-ayak \u00e7ekilmi\u015f; a\u011fustos b\u00f6ceklerinin c\u0131r\u0131lt\u0131s\u0131, ku\u015flar\u0131n c\u0131v\u0131lt\u0131s\u0131 bir anda kesilmi\u015fti. Bu sessizlik, sanki g\u00f6r\u00fclebilen, dokunulabilen bo\u011fucu k\u0131vamda bir ak\u0131nt\u0131 gibi kasaban\u0131n her yan\u0131n\u0131 kaplam\u0131\u015ft\u0131. \u00a0\u00dc\u00e7 koca \u00e7\u0131nar\u0131n g\u00f6lgesi alt\u0131ndaki istasyon \u00e7ay bah\u00e7esi s\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131labilecek tek yerdi. Ama burada da pek kimse yoktu. Oca\u011f\u0131n kap\u0131s\u0131n\u0131n \u00f6n\u00fcne att\u0131\u011f\u0131 \u015fezlonga uzanm\u0131\u015f olan ya\u015fl\u0131 kahveci, arada bir y\u00fcz\u00fcne konan sinekleri kovalay\u0131p uyuklamay\u0131 s\u00fcrd\u00fcr\u00fcyordu. Ta \u00f6tede biri daha vard\u0131: Demiryolunun hemen kenar\u0131nda gen\u00e7 bir adam, \u00f6n\u00fcndeki masaya abanarak oturmu\u015ftu. Ba\u015f\u0131n\u0131 da kollar\u0131n\u0131n \u00fcst\u00fcne b\u0131rakt\u0131\u011f\u0131nda, g\u00f6vdesinin t\u00fcm a\u011f\u0131rl\u0131\u011f\u0131yla yava\u015f\u00e7a sandalyeden y\u00fckselerek masan\u0131n \u00fcst\u00fcne gittik\u00e7e yay\u0131lan bir birikinti olu\u015fturdu\u011fu izlenimi veriyordu. \u0130ri elleri dirseklerine birer pen\u00e7e gibi ge\u00e7mi\u015fti. Ba\u015f\u0131n\u0131 tedirginlik i\u00e7inde her \u00e7eviri\u015finde g\u00f6zleri sonuna dek a\u00e7\u0131l\u0131yor, ter damlac\u0131klar\u0131 yanaklar\u0131ndan kollar\u0131n\u0131n \u00fcst\u00fcne do\u011fru ak\u0131yordu. G\u00f6rmekte oldu\u011fu karabasan bir sanr\u0131ya d\u00f6n\u00fc\u015f\u00fcp, \u00f6nce sa\u011f\u0131ndaki demiryolunun uzakla\u015fan \u00e7izgisinde beliriyor, ard\u0131ndan da solundaki, caddenin bu\u011fulanan asfalt\u0131 \u00fcst\u00fcnde buharla\u015f\u0131yordu.<\/p>\n
Trenin gelmesine daha \u00e7ok vard\u0131. G\u00fcnbat\u0131m\u0131nda ahlaya puflaya \u00e7ekti\u011fi katarla bu istasyona u\u011frayan lokomotif, be\u015f-on yolcuyu indirdikten sonra hi\u00e7 oyalanmadan, ayn\u0131 b\u0131kk\u0131nl\u0131kla al\u0131r ba\u015f\u0131n\u0131 gider. G\u00fcn sonu seferlerinde kasabadan yolcu ald\u0131\u011f\u0131 hi\u00e7 olmam\u0131\u015ft\u0131r.<\/p>\n
\u00c7\u0131narlar\u0131n alt\u0131na s\u0131ralanm\u0131\u015f saks\u0131lardaki sardunyalar, kararm\u0131\u015f \u00e7i\u00e7ekleri, solgun yapraklar\u0131yla, buradaki her \u015fey gibi terkedilmi\u015fli\u011fin h\u00fczn\u00fcne kat\u0131lm\u0131\u015flard\u0131. Ard\u0131na kadar a\u00e7\u0131lm\u0131\u015f o \u00fcrk\u00fct\u00fcc\u00fc g\u00f6zlerini bo\u015flu\u011fa kilitleyen gen\u00e7 adam, \u015fimdi ba\u015f\u0131n\u0131 kald\u0131rm\u0131\u015ft\u0131. T\u0131rnaklar\u0131yla kollar\u0131n\u0131 y\u0131rtarken, dudaklar\u0131, ucunu yakalayamad\u0131\u011f\u0131 s\u00f6zc\u00fckleri s\u0131ralamak istercesine k\u0131m\u0131lt\u0131lar i\u00e7indeydi. Bir m\u0131r\u0131lt\u0131 olsun duyulmuyordu. Bak\u0131\u015flar\u0131na yakalanmay\u0131 g\u00f6ze alabilen biri, onun bu sessiz anlat\u0131m\u0131nda insan\u0131 deh\u015fete d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcren \u00f6l\u00fcmc\u00fcl bir tutkunun ya da umars\u0131zl\u0131\u011fa s\u00fcr\u00fckleyen karanl\u0131k bir olgunun dile getirildi\u011fini anlayabilirdi:<\/p>\n
\u00a0 \u00a0D\u00fc\u015flerimi se\u00e7emez oldum. Bazen nerede oldu\u011fumu bile bilemiyorum. P\u00fcr\u00fczlerden, sorunlardan uzak bir ya\u015fam\u0131n bana kucak a\u00e7t\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 sanm\u0131\u015ft\u0131m\u2026 Ama onun bana s\u00f6yledikleri bir anda her \u015feyi anlams\u0131z k\u0131lm\u0131\u015ft\u0131. Hi\u00e7 beklemedi\u011fim anda bana ne dedi? Oldu\u011fu gibi an\u0131msamaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015f bakal\u0131m:\u201d \u00d6nce kendin olmay\u0131 denesen\u2026 Ba\u015fkalar\u0131n\u0131n a\u011fz\u0131na bakarak heveslere kap\u0131lmay\u0131 b\u0131raksan belki seni tan\u0131yabilece\u011fim. Severken bile beni par\u00e7alara ay\u0131rmaya ba\u015flad\u0131n. Yok sar\u0131 buklelerimmi\u015f, yok efendim sedef beyaz\u0131 tenimin \u00fcst\u00fcnde okyanus adalar\u0131 gibi duran esmer g\u00f6\u011f\u00fcs u\u00e7lar\u0131mm\u0131\u015f… Edebiyat paralamaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yorsun, desem de\u011fil! D\u00fcped\u00fcz baya\u011f\u0131la\u015f\u0131yorsun. Ben herhangi bir nesne de\u011filim ki, \u2018ben\u2019 olan b\u00fct\u00fcnl\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm\u00fc elimden al\u0131rsan yitip giderim. Art\u0131k beni sevdi\u011fine de inanm\u0131yorum. Ba\u015fkalar\u0131na g\u00f6stermek i\u00e7in edindi\u011fin, \u00f6v\u00fcnmek i\u00e7in yak\u0131\u015ft\u0131r\u0131p tak\u0131\u015ft\u0131rd\u0131\u011f\u0131n herhangi bir nesne gibi g\u00f6r\u00fcyorsun beni\u201d, demedi mi? \u00dcstelik b\u00fct\u00fcn bunlar\u0131 s\u00f6ylerken, sesi, di\u015flerinin aras\u0131ndan bir t\u0131slamayla y\u00fcz\u00fcme savrulduk\u00e7a neye u\u011frad\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131 \u015fa\u015f\u0131r\u0131yor, iyice k\u0131st\u0131\u011f\u0131 o bal rengi g\u00f6zlerinden ta\u015fan nefret, i\u00e7imi yok olma iste\u011finin zehriyle dolduruyordu. O gittikten sonra kapa\u011f\u0131 bu kasabaya att\u0131m. Buralarda bir tan\u0131d\u0131\u011f\u0131m, yak\u0131n\u0131m oldu\u011fu i\u00e7in de\u011fil… Da\u011f\u0131t\u0131c\u0131lar\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 denetlemeye \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131\u011f\u0131m yolculuklarda u\u011frad\u0131\u011f\u0131m yerler aras\u0131nda, dinginli\u011fi ile kafa dinlenecek bir yer olarak an\u0131msad\u0131\u011f\u0131m i\u00e7in on g\u00fcnd\u00fcr burada bir otele s\u0131\u011f\u0131nd\u0131m. D\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fcm\u2026 \u00c7ok d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fcm. Nesnelerin kalabal\u0131\u011f\u0131 i\u00e7inde de\u011fi\u015fime u\u011frayan yaln\u0131zca ben miyim, diye\u2026 \u00d6yle ya, al\u0131p-satmakla ge\u00e7iniyorum. Koskoca kurulu\u015fa pazarlama m\u00fcd\u00fcr\u00fc yapt\u0131lar beni. Benim de bildiklerim var: Bir sat\u0131c\u0131 mal\u0131n\u0131 g\u00f6klere \u00e7\u0131kar\u0131rken o nesneye hi\u00e7 ta\u015f\u0131mad\u0131\u011f\u0131 de\u011ferler y\u00fckler. Ki\u015finin \u00e7evresine sundu\u011fu imge benim i\u00e7in \u00e7ok \u00f6nemli. Bu pazarlaman\u0131n ba\u015fl\u0131ca ilkesidir. Kendi d\u0131\u015f g\u00f6r\u00fcn\u00fcm\u00fcne de sunuma da \u00f6zen g\u00f6stereceksin i\u015fte… Bunu ona da s\u00f6yledim. Ko\u015fullara uymak gerek. \u00d6rt\u00fcn, diyorlarsa ona g\u00f6re giyineceksin. Dahas\u0131, pek ayk\u0131r\u0131 d\u00fc\u015ft\u00fcysen d\u00fczene, bir s\u00fcre maskenle dola\u015facaks\u0131n ortal\u0131kta. Yoksa gittik\u00e7e daha b\u00fcy\u00fck bir h\u0131zla d\u00f6nen d\u00fcnyay\u0131 durdurup, istedi\u011fin yerde inemezsin; \u015fu yorgun yerk\u00fcre savurup atar seni s\u0131rt\u0131ndan. Hep b\u00f6yle tak\u0131l\u0131rd\u0131m ona\u2026 \u201c Aah! Ke\u015fke silkelenip f\u0131rlat\u0131lsam bir yerlere… Senin gibi onun bunun boyunduru\u011funda ya\u015famaktan iyidir. Bunu isterim valla. \u00d6m\u00fcr boyu oldu\u011fumdan ba\u015fka g\u00f6r\u00fcnmek i\u00e7in \u00e7\u0131rp\u0131nmaktansa!\u201d, diye alaya alm\u0131\u015ft\u0131 beni\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0 \u00a0 \u015eimdi k\u0131zg\u0131n raylar\u0131n \u00fcst\u00fcnde insanlar s\u0131ralanm\u0131\u015f\u2026 Bana do\u011fru h\u0131zla yakla\u015f\u0131rlarken, bir anda uzakla\u015f\u0131p g\u00f6zden yitiyorlar. Sonra yeniden sonsuzluktan, o iki \u00e7izginin birle\u015fti\u011fi yerden kayarak kalabal\u0131kla\u015f\u0131yorlar. Art\u0131k nedense i\u00e7leri bo\u015falt\u0131lm\u0131\u015f, ge\u00e7irgen bedenlere d\u00f6n\u00fc\u015fm\u00fc\u015fler. Ba\u015f\u0131m\u0131 \u00f6b\u00fcr yana \u00e7evirdi\u011fimde, kar\u015f\u0131mda \u00e7ay bah\u00e7esinin kap\u0131s\u0131, ard\u0131nda g\u00fcn \u0131\u015f\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131n doldu\u011fu alan…\u00a0 Hemen giri\u015fte bir adam g\u00f6zlerini bana dikmi\u015f, hi\u00e7 k\u0131m\u0131ldam\u0131yor. \u2018G\u00f6zleri\u2019 diyorum da g\u00f6zleri yok ki… O da yaln\u0131zca ana \u00e7izgileriyle b\u00fcy\u00fcyen bir yal\u0131nl\u0131k. Yutucu bir hi\u00e7lik. Yine de bana nas\u0131l bakt\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131; ne zaman g\u00f6zlerini benden ka\u00e7\u0131rmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 g\u00f6rebiliyorum. <\/em><\/p>\n Her ikindide \u00e7\u0131kan imbat, bug\u00fcn sanki solu\u011funu yitirmi\u015fti. Oysa kasaba \u00f6\u011fleden sonralar\u0131 bu esintiyle uyu\u015fuklu\u011fundan silkinir, \u00f6l\u00fcm\u00fcn k\u0131y\u0131s\u0131ndan d\u00f6nerek yeniden canlan\u0131r gibi sevin\u00e7le kendi sesine, devinimine kavu\u015furdu.<\/p>\n \u015eu \u00e7\u0131nar\u0131n g\u00f6lgesinde ne zamand\u0131r dikilip kald\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131 kestiremiyorum. Bir-iki ad\u0131m ilerlesem\u2026\u00a0 Ama \u00e7evreyi saran sessizlik y\u00fcz\u00fcnden burada biraz oturmakta bile ikircikliyim. \u00dc\u00e7 g\u00fcnd\u00fcr bu il\u00e7edeyim. O\u011flum gelmem i\u00e7in diretince onu geri \u00e7eviremedim. Kar\u0131s\u0131yla ikisi i\u015f yerlerine giderlerken ben de erkenden onlarla birlikte evden \u00e7\u0131k\u0131yorum. Nereye gidece\u011fimi bilemeden ortal\u0131kta dola\u015f\u0131yorum. Olmuyor. Anahtar\u0131m var ama o yabanc\u0131 \u00e7at\u0131n\u0131n alt\u0131nda huzurum yok. Ancak s\u0131cak y\u00fcz\u00fcnden bacaklar\u0131mda derman t\u00fckenirse, eve d\u00f6nmek zorunda kal\u0131yorum. Ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131m kentin devinimi i\u00e7inde g\u00f6r\u00fcnmez adam\u0131 oynamak daha iyi. Hal-hat\u0131r soran\u0131n i\u00e7tenli\u011fine inanamazs\u0131n bu devirde. Neyime gerek \u00f6yle olur olmaz insanla a\u011f\u0131z a\u00e7mak\u2026 Yerlisi yabanc\u0131s\u0131na kar\u0131\u015fm\u0131\u015f kalabal\u0131\u011f\u0131n i\u00e7inde gizlenmek, o karga\u015fan\u0131n i\u00e7inden kendime g\u00f6re \u00f6yk\u00fcler \u00e7\u0131karmak bana yetiyor. Bu kasabada hep g\u00f6z \u00f6n\u00fcnde olmak beni \u00e7ok tedirgin ediyor… Annesinin \u00f6l\u00fcm\u00fcnden sonra o\u011flumun bana d\u00fc\u015fk\u00fcnl\u00fc\u011f\u00fc dayan\u0131lmaz bir hal ald\u0131. Emeklili\u011fimden sonra kar\u0131mla birlikte uzun y\u0131llar\u0131 payla\u015faca\u011f\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcrd\u00fcm. Yakaland\u0131\u011f\u0131 hastal\u0131k onu alt\u0131 y\u0131l i\u00e7inde ald\u0131 g\u00f6t\u00fcrd\u00fc. B\u00fcy\u00fck bir haks\u0131zl\u0131\u011fa u\u011frad\u0131\u011f\u0131m duygusu i\u00e7ine g\u00f6m\u00fcld\u00fcm. Hele bizim ya\u015f\u0131m\u0131zdaki \u00e7iftlerle kar\u015f\u0131la\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131m zaman bu duygu isyana d\u00f6n\u00fc\u015f\u00fcr.<\/p>\n Gelinim bana sayg\u0131da kusur etmese de bazen a\u011fz\u0131ndan \u00e7\u0131kan\u0131n nerelere vard\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 kestiremeyecek denli hoppa bir k\u0131z. \u00d6zlemlerinin sonu yok. Asl\u0131nda bug\u00fcn\u00fcn gen\u00e7leri, hepsi ayn\u0131 kal\u0131ptan \u00e7\u0131km\u0131\u015f sanki. D\u00fcn gece, damdan d\u00fc\u015fercesine, demez mi: \u201c\u0130nsan g\u00f6nl\u00fcne g\u00f6re ya\u015famal\u0131. Hi\u00e7bir iste\u011fini ertelememeli. \u00d6m\u00fcr o kadar k\u0131sa ki\u2026\u00a0 Demem o ki, bir yazl\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z olsa\u2026 Hani nas\u0131l derler? \u015e\u00f6yle bakla oda nohut sofa\u2026 \u00a0O koskoca evde, kentin g\u00fcr\u00fclt\u00fcs\u00fc i\u00e7inde yorulaca\u011f\u0131na, babam\u0131z da orada daha rahat eder\u2026 Biz de y\u0131ll\u0131k iznimizde istedi\u011fimiz gibi bir tatil yapar\u0131z. Hele yak\u0131n bir k\u0131y\u0131da ev edinirsek hafta sonlar\u0131n\u0131 da orada ge\u00e7iririz.\u201d<\/p>\n Belli etmemeye \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131msa da o\u011flum \u00fcz\u00fcld\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm\u00fc anlad\u0131 san\u0131r\u0131m. Hem, \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131klar\u0131 bu kasabada ev edinmeyi d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnseler ya! Y\u0131llard\u0131r kiradalar. Bu y\u00fczden ge\u00e7inemiyoruz desinler, bak o zaman evimi satar onlara buradan bir ev al\u0131r\u0131m. Kar\u0131mla biriktirdi\u011fimiz an\u0131lar\u0131m\u0131zla, kitaplar\u0131mla dolu evimden, gelin han\u0131m yazlar\u0131 birka\u00e7 ay denizin keyfini \u00e7\u0131kars\u0131n diye nas\u0131l ayr\u0131l\u0131r\u0131m? Edebiyat \u00f6\u011fretmenli\u011fimin her an\u0131ndan, bo\u015fa ge\u00e7irilmemi\u015f bir ya\u015fam\u0131n bana k\u0131van\u00e7 veren izleri var o evde. \u00d6\u011frencilerimin aras\u0131ndan baz\u0131lar\u0131 \u00fcnl\u00fc birer yazar oldu. Onlar\u0131n bana imzalad\u0131klar\u0131 kitaplar\u0131nda \u00f6ylesine duyguland\u0131r\u0131c\u0131 s\u00f6ylemler yakal\u0131yorum ki, ald\u0131\u011f\u0131m notlarla bu sevin\u00e7lerimi sevgili e\u015fimle payla\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131ma inan\u0131r oldum. Son g\u00fcnlerde yazd\u0131\u011f\u0131m k\u0131sa \u00f6yk\u00fcler de bir zamanlar kar\u0131mla payla\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z ya\u015fant\u0131 i\u00e7indeki ser\u00fcveni izliyor\u2026<\/p>\n \u00d6yk\u00fclerimi \u00f6teden beridir ikinci tekilin a\u011fz\u0131ndan anlatmay\u0131 se\u00e7mi\u015fimdir. Bu anlat\u0131m yolu kalemime kolayl\u0131klar sundu\u011fu gibi, yazar olarak kendimi daha bir iyi gizleyebildi\u011fim d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcncesiyle bana g\u00fcven veriyordu. Olan biteni d\u0131\u015fardan izleyen biriydim. Ama kimdim ben? Bir yandan, ki\u015fileriyle birlikte \u00e7evreye her \u00f6yk\u00fcde can solu\u011fu veren; ayr\u0131nt\u0131lar\u0131 ay\u0131klay\u0131p, yeniden kurgulayan; can\u0131 istedi\u011fi anda da her \u015feyi yerle bir eden o ki\u015fi ben miydim? \u00a0B\u00f6yle bir g\u00fcc\u00fcm olsa, kendi ya\u015fam\u0131m\u0131n \u015fu umars\u0131z da\u011f\u0131n\u0131kl\u0131\u011f\u0131na bir \u00e7are bulmaz m\u0131yd\u0131m?<\/p>\n D\u0131\u015far\u0131daki k\u0131yameti, gizlendi\u011fim korunakl\u0131 k\u00f6\u015femden izlemeyi al\u0131\u015fkanl\u0131k edinmi\u015ftim. Belki de oldum olas\u0131 ikinci tekili oynamakla durumu kurtarmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015fmam bug\u00fcnk\u00fc \u00e7\u00f6z\u00fcms\u00fczl\u00fc\u011fe s\u00fcr\u00fckledi beni\u2026 Anlatan bendim. Ama sanki ya\u015fam\u0131yor, bir iletken olmakla yetiniyordum.\u00a0 \u00c7ay bah\u00e7esinde topra\u011fa serilmi\u015f \u00e7ak\u0131llar\u0131n \u00fcst\u00fcnde her ad\u0131mda ses getirerek y\u00fcr\u00fcd\u00fcm. Bir yere ili\u015ftim. K\u0131v\u0131rc\u0131k sa\u00e7lar\u0131 terli aln\u0131na yap\u0131\u015fm\u0131\u015f delikanl\u0131, ba\u015f\u0131n\u0131 kald\u0131rm\u0131\u015f beni izliyordu. G\u00f6z g\u00f6ze gelmemek i\u00e7in sandalyemi \u00e7ektim, ona arkam\u0131 d\u00f6nerek oturdum. Boynuma ast\u0131\u011f\u0131m \u00e7antamdan defterimi, kalemimi \u00e7\u0131kard\u0131m. Yazmaya ba\u015flad\u0131\u011f\u0131mda, yava\u015f\u00e7a i\u00e7 i\u00e7e ge\u00e7en d\u00fc\u015fle ger\u00e7ek, bamba\u015fka bir zaman boyutunda sanki birbirlerini a\u00e7\u0131kl\u0131yorlard\u0131.<\/p>\n O s\u0131rada nereden \u00e7\u0131k\u0131p geldiyse, kahvecinin \u00e7\u0131ra\u011f\u0131 ba\u015f\u0131ma dikildi. Ona bir sade kahve s\u00f6yledim. G\u00fcle\u00e7 y\u00fczl\u00fc, yeni yetme \u00e7\u0131rak kahve oca\u011f\u0131nda g\u00fcr\u00fclt\u00fcyle yapt\u0131\u011f\u0131 i\u015fin \u00f6nemini g\u00f6stermek isteyince, kahveci dald\u0131\u011f\u0131 uykudan uyanm\u0131\u015ft\u0131. Ya\u015fl\u0131 adam \u015fezlongdan g\u00fc\u00e7l\u00fckle do\u011fruldu. Belini tutarak \u00e7ay oca\u011f\u0131n\u0131n bulundu\u011fu odaya girdi. Onu tan\u0131m\u0131\u015ft\u0131m. \u00d6\u011frencili\u011fimizde bana ikide bir \u2018tatl\u0131 su ayd\u0131n\u0131\u2019, diye seslenen, Meslek Y\u00fcksek Okulundaki eylemlerde bir\u00e7ok kez tutuklanan o uzun boylu, yak\u0131\u015f\u0131kl\u0131 arkada\u015f\u0131m \u015fu iki-b\u00fckl\u00fcm olmu\u015f bedeniyle tan\u0131nmaz durumdayd\u0131. Onun \u00f6l\u00fcm cezas\u0131yla yarg\u0131land\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131, uzun s\u00fcre i\u00e7erde yatt\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 gazetelerden \u00f6\u011frenmi\u015ftim. Sonra da hi\u00e7 kar\u015f\u0131la\u015fmam\u0131\u015ft\u0131k. \u015eimdi payla\u015faca\u011f\u0131m\u0131z ne kalm\u0131\u015ft\u0131 ki\u2026 Beni tan\u0131masa bari, diye i\u00e7imden ge\u00e7irirken, o d\u0131\u015far\u0131 \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131. \u00d6tedeki masaya y\u00f6neldi. Art\u0131k oturdu\u011fu sandalyede iyice a\u015fa\u011f\u0131 kaym\u0131\u015f, s\u0131rt\u0131n\u0131 arkal\u0131\u011fa dayayarak oturan gen\u00e7 adam\u0131n \u00f6n\u00fcndeki bo\u015f \u00e7ay barda\u011f\u0131n\u0131 ald\u0131. A\u011fustos b\u00f6cekleri ayn\u0131 teraneyle yaygaraya ba\u015flam\u0131\u015flard\u0131\u2026 Yeniden defterime e\u011fildim. A\u00e7t\u0131\u011f\u0131m yeni sayfan\u0131n beyazl\u0131\u011f\u0131nda kara-ya\u011f\u0131z arkada\u015f\u0131m belirdi. \u2018\u2019\u2026Kurtul art\u0131k \u015fu \u00f6zentilerinden\u2019\u2019 derken y\u00fcz\u00fcndeki g\u00fcl\u00fcmseme birden donuyor, bu kez ba\u011f\u0131\u015flay\u0131c\u0131 bir sevecenlikle kollar\u0131n\u0131 a\u00e7\u0131yordu. Gittik\u00e7e anla\u015f\u0131lmaz bir h\u0131r\u0131lt\u0131yla bo\u011fulan bir sesle anlatmaya ba\u015flad\u0131:<\/p>\n \u00a0 \u00a0G\u00fcnler, birbirinin ayn\u0131s\u0131… Bu yinelenme, yeknesakl\u0131k, ya\u015farken \u00f6lmek gibi bir \u015fey. Sendikac\u0131l\u0131kta bunca \u00f6m\u00fcr t\u00fckettik. Ne umutlarla \u00e7al\u0131\u015fm\u0131\u015ft\u0131k. Bug\u00fcn iki ki\u015fi bir araya geldi mi, \u00e7akalca iki y\u00fczl\u00fcl\u00fckler, s\u0131rtarmalar ba\u015fl\u0131yor. \u00c7\u0131kar u\u011fruna yaltaklanmalar, olmad\u0131 g\u00f6z da\u011f\u0131 vermeler falan i\u015fte… \u00d6zveri miydi benim yapt\u0131\u011f\u0131m? Sevgili olan ne varsa yitirdim. Onca y\u0131l yolda\u015f\u0131m olan kar\u0131m bile sonunda sorumsuzlukla su\u00e7lam\u0131\u015ft\u0131 beni… Bal g\u00f6zl\u00fc k\u0131z\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 da yan\u0131na al\u0131p, \u00e7ekti gitti. \u00a0\u0130kisini de bir daha g\u00f6remedim. \u0130\u00e7erden \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131ktan sonra anas\u0131yla ba\u011flant\u0131 kurdum. Telefonla g\u00f6r\u00fc\u015ft\u00fck. Bir hesaba para g\u00f6ndermeme izin vermi\u015fti. Ama k\u0131z\u0131mla beni kar\u015f\u0131la\u015ft\u0131rmamakta diretti hep\u2026 Bir kez, daha o ilkokuldayken, \u00a0uzaktan izledim yavrumu; \u00a0sar\u0131 buklelerine beyaz kurdele ba\u011flanm\u0131\u015ft\u0131. Y\u00fcksek \u00f6\u011freniminin sonuna dek onu elimden geldi\u011fince destekledim. \u0130yi bir e\u011fitim ald\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 bilmekle avundum y\u0131llard\u0131r. Sonra yerlerini de\u011fi\u015ftirdiler, izlerini yitirdim. <\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0 \u00a0Aksi bir ihtiyar olmad\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131 san\u0131yorum. \u015eimdi kar\u015f\u0131la\u015fsak, beni ne denli su\u00e7lasa da onu y\u00fcre\u011fimle kucaklayaca\u011f\u0131m\u0131 biliyorum. Ge\u00e7en g\u00fcn evde k\u0131z karde\u015fime i\u00e7imi d\u00f6kt\u00fcm. \u201cGit ara k\u0131z\u0131n\u0131 a\u011fabey,\u201d dedi, \u201cDa\u011f da\u011fa kavu\u015fmaz, insan insana kavu\u015furmu\u015f, derler… O da sana ula\u015fmak istiyordur. Yeter ki g\u00f6z \u00f6n\u00fcne \u00e7\u0131k!\u201d <\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0 \u00a0\u00dcst\u00fcmde bir a\u011f\u0131rl\u0131k, onca yer dola\u015ft\u0131ktan sonra, bu \u00e7ay bah\u00e7esine \u00e7ak\u0131ld\u0131m kald\u0131m ger\u00e7ekten\u2026 Ama bu halimle k\u0131z\u0131m\u0131n kar\u015f\u0131s\u0131na \u00e7\u0131k\u0131p ne diyece\u011fim ki… <\/em><\/p>\n Defterimi kapatt\u0131m, \u00e7antama koydum. Tren istasyonlar\u0131 bana h\u00fcz\u00fcn verir. Buralarda beliriveren yo\u011fun kalabal\u0131\u011f\u0131n, yerini bir anda \u0131ss\u0131zl\u0131\u011fa b\u0131rakmas\u0131yla, kavu\u015fmalar\u0131n sevincinden \u00e7ok, ayr\u0131l\u0131klar\u0131n, vedala\u015fmalar\u0131n buruk tortusunu \u00e7o\u011falt\u0131rlar.<\/p>\n \u0130lerleyen saatlerde neler olaca\u011f\u0131n\u0131 \u015fimdiden g\u00f6z\u00fcm\u00fcn \u00f6n\u00fcne getirebiliyorum. Demiryolunun yak\u0131n\u0131nda oturan gen\u00e7 adam gitti elini-y\u00fcz\u00fcn\u00fc y\u0131kad\u0131. \u015eimdi \u00f6n\u00fcne konan ekmek aras\u0131na haz\u0131rlanm\u0131\u015f bir \u015feyleri isteksizce kemiriyor. \u00a0San\u0131r\u0131m g\u00fcnbat\u0131m\u0131nda gelecek trene binip gidecek.\u00a0 Art\u0131k trenin onu nereye g\u00f6t\u00fcrece\u011finin hi\u00e7 \u00f6nemi yok.<\/p>\n Benim ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131m kent, bu ak\u015famki trenin yolu \u00fcst\u00fcnde de\u011fil. Tam da ters y\u00f6nde. Olsun… Eve gidip bir iki sat\u0131rl\u0131k bir not b\u0131rakmal\u0131; \u00e7ocuklara bir bahane uydurmal\u0131 ki, merakta kalmas\u0131nlar. O\u011flum \u00fcz\u00fclmesin. Katar\u0131n \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcnc\u00fc u\u011frak yeri olan il\u00e7eden g\u00fcndo\u011fumuna dek her y\u00f6ne otob\u00fcs bulabilirim. Gece seferini yapan trene bu istasyondan binen ender yolculardan biri olaca\u011f\u0131m.<\/p>\n Art\u0131k ben mi \u00f6yk\u00fcleri izliyorum; \u00f6yk\u00fcler mi beni koval\u0131yor, kestiremiyorum. B\u00f6ylesi daha iyi\u2026<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a021\/06\/2011<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" \u0130yice bast\u0131ran \u00f6\u011fle s\u0131ca\u011f\u0131, ortal\u0131kta ne ses ne de soluk b\u0131rakm\u0131\u015ft\u0131. Sokaklardan el-ayak \u00e7ekilmi\u015f; a\u011fustos b\u00f6ceklerinin c\u0131r\u0131lt\u0131s\u0131, ku\u015flar\u0131n c\u0131v\u0131lt\u0131s\u0131 bir anda kesilmi\u015fti. Bu sessizlik, sanki g\u00f6r\u00fclebilen, dokunulabilen bo\u011fucu k\u0131vamda bir ak\u0131nt\u0131 gibi kasaban\u0131n her yan\u0131n\u0131 kaplam\u0131\u015ft\u0131. \u00a0\u00dc\u00e7 koca \u00e7\u0131nar\u0131n g\u00f6lgesi alt\u0131ndaki istasyon \u00e7ay bah\u00e7esi s\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131labilecek tek yerdi. Ama burada da pek kimse yoktu. Oca\u011f\u0131n kap\u0131s\u0131n\u0131n \u00f6n\u00fcne att\u0131\u011f\u0131 \u015fezlonga uzanm\u0131\u015f olan ya\u015fl\u0131 kahveci, arada bir y\u00fcz\u00fcne konan sinekleri kovalay\u0131p uyuklamay\u0131 s\u00fcrd\u00fcr\u00fcyordu. Ta \u00f6tede biri daha vard\u0131: Demiryolunun hemen kenar\u0131nda gen\u00e7 bir adam, \u00f6n\u00fcndeki masaya abanarak oturmu\u015ftu. Ba\u015f\u0131n\u0131 da kollar\u0131n\u0131n \u00fcst\u00fcne b\u0131rakt\u0131\u011f\u0131nda, g\u00f6vdesinin t\u00fcm a\u011f\u0131rl\u0131\u011f\u0131yla yava\u015f\u00e7a sandalyeden y\u00fckselerek masan\u0131n \u00fcst\u00fcne gittik\u00e7e yay\u0131lan … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":935,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[11],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-972","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-oykuleri"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/ziyagurel.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/972","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/ziyagurel.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/ziyagurel.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ziyagurel.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ziyagurel.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=972"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/ziyagurel.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/972\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1190,"href":"https:\/\/ziyagurel.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/972\/revisions\/1190"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ziyagurel.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/935"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/ziyagurel.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=972"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ziyagurel.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=972"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ziyagurel.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=972"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}